Ok, so…kind of a breakthrough-y weekend. I went to the one-day business retreat for heart-centred women put on by Kate Muker and Lara Kozan called Being Woman. It was essentially a very full and intense – yet loving and gentle – day of revealing our soul’s whispers and owning them. This intimate group of ours held space for each other as we dug through layers and came out the other side. I didn’t realize how transformational it was until today, two days later.
By the end of the retreat, I was pretty happy standing in front of this group and stating who I am at my soul level, even though my internal censor was nattering away in the peanut gallery of my mind – chiding me with questions like, “Who are YOU to think you can be this?”
I had carpooled with my friend Jamie of Styling the Inside and on the rainy drive home, opened up to her about some of my ‘grandiose’ plans. I shared a little about the cement wall I keep bumping up against that doesn’t allow me to take the leap. To actually JUMP into the great abyss and be me, fully. To 100% participate in life, the big picture, as the person I really am. The cement wall is so thick and sturdy and unbreakable that I dim down who I am, shine a little less brightly, play a little more small. But on that drive home, I can now see, a little crack had started creeping up through this block.
When I got home, I thanked and paid the sitter, then couldn’t decide if I was hungry. Realizing I was just bone-tired, I decided to go to bed when the baby did. I was sure I’d be asleep instantly and would probably sleep right through the morning.
I was so wrong. The red numbers 3:17 glared at me from my alarm clock as I tossed and turned, half grateful that my husband was out of town with the other kids so I wasn’t disturbing anyone, but also feeling alone and lost. The tears came then as I let myself feel totally unsure of what was happening, in that night and along the rest of my path. I cried out to my mom for help, literally talking out loud to her, asking for guidance.
The images that flashed through my mind after the tears stopped were the guidance I needed. They were pictures of me being the things I said I was. Like, BEING them.
Because it’s one thing to know who you are and what you believe in and why you are here. And it is SUCH a different thing to actually act on it.
And I realized in that moment, seeing myself in my mind glowing and radiant and purposeful, that I have to get out – just like the name of my blog. I have to get out of my house, out of my shell and out of my head.
Yes, over the years since I started this blog I have participated in the writing community and I’ve done my share of fundraising for causes I believe in. But primarily, I’ve taken the scraps of what is left over after the rest of my family schedules in their activities and then have had to decide: do I use this little sliver of time to work toward my purpose, or should I add this little sliver to the rest of the time that I am already giving my family?
To be fair, my husband has to make the same decisions and he often foregoes social events to be with the family. He turns down invitations to hang out with others so that he makes sure he has time to nurture his relationships with his kids and me. But he also has his business and has a large chunk of that pie to devote to what he is passionate about.
When my husband and I talked about this last night, we both realized I don’t actually need a lot more time than I already have. ‘A lack of time’ was actually a scapegoat; the real story is that me fully stepping into who I am will result in a domino effect of change and change can feel scary.
But it will also positively impact the growth and development of this family.
[Tweet “A parent who is living his or her truth is the greatest gift to a child. “]
Just a few minutes ago, Jamie tagged me in this SoulPancake video on Facebook. If you have a couple minutes, please watch this. Understanding the message here is critical to living an authentic life.
What most resonated with you about this video or what I shared? I have to admit, I’m stalling a bit before hitting publish on this one. It must mean this is really important. I hope you are able to take something from it.
I’d love to hear your comments below!