ACK! Now that Heartmind Wisdom Collection 2 is published and my story is about to see the light of day, I’m feeling nervous, excited and vulnerable all at once. Though I’ve revealed bits and pieces on this blog, on stage and in other written works, this chapter is a much deeper exploration of my journey out of a dark time. Right now, I imagine myself as a 5 year old girl, wearing a dark blue pinafore and frilly-collared blouse, big eyes looking out at the world, not knowing what I will find staring back at me. When I feel vulnerable, I always have this little girl image of myself in my thoughts, and I want to scoop her up in a hug and tell her it will be OK.
(Tweet about my vulnerable inner-child!)
I feel strongly that sharing with you the beginning part of my chapter will break the ice for me. I can get that ‘exhale’ I need to push forward and join my co-authors in celebrating more than just words being printed and bound. What we are really celebrating is pouring our hearts onto the page, silencing the demons in our heads – and maybe outside our heads – and deciding the pain was worth the healing it would bring others, and ourselves. In writing our journeys, we have cried, we have felt relief and we have basked in absolute joy looking back over the roads we have travelled to be where we are today.
I offer you this excerpt from Authenticity: My Angels’ Prescription for a Radiant Life to thank you for your part in helping me finding my way back to Me.
*****
“Maybe I miss God?” Sitting on the cherry laminate floor of our living room, I looked up at my husband. He had come home from work to find me cross-legged on the floor, still in my pyjamas, staring blankly into space. Our ten-month-old daughter was crawling in and out of my lap.
Tired, my eyes burning, I mumbled a few sentences about the void I couldn’t fill.
“Maybe you need to pray?” he offered. My husband had been trying to put me back together for a long while. Like scattered pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, he futilely searched for that unique shape that would make me whole.
It wasn’t the first time he’d come home to find me sitting on the floor, sad and lost. Though my daughter and I spent many days every week at my parents’ home, I felt isolated, alone and bored. I was quite sure that I was missing someone, someone who was once my confidant and my ally. I didn’t know who it was, but not having my elusive best friend was like being alone in a dark cell, the only light bulb smashed to pieces on the floor.
“I don’t know,” I shrugged, weary from the constant battle. I was angry at Mom’s body for turning against her and making her terminally ill. I was frustrated that as I entered motherhood, I lost control over my time, my space…my life. I had a grudge against food that made me feel sick when I ate it and sad when I avoided it. All of the soldiers inside my body were slowly sinking to their knees, their weapons dropping beside them.
Like the defeated soldiers I imagined inside of me, my husband sighed. “Then I don’t know, either.”
His words started fresh rivers of tears cascading over my cheeks.
“We’ll figure it out,” he said, sounding less confident.
As always, I clung to his words, hoping they’d eventually shake the blanket of gloom that hung over me. In that moment, I never would have imagined that one day I would be fulfilling a lifelong dream and finding my way back to a life bursting with joy because of it.
*****
If you would like your own copy of Heartmind Wisdom Collection 2 – an inspirational anthology of 21 stories of courage and hope – they are available for pre-sale now at $20 each. Copies will be available at the book launch in South Surrey on May 31 (details are here) so if you would like your free ticket to the event and wish to pick up your book at the same time, please let me know. Otherwise, if you are in the Lower Mainland we can arrange for a pickup or to have your book shipped to you at an extra cost. And of course, if you are from outside the Lower Mainland, I am happy to ship your order to you.
Simply email me at taslim (at) letmeoutcreative (dot) com with the subject PRESALE and we can start the conversation. Please do so as soon as possible so that your order can be included in the pre-sale, and you can have your copy in a timely manner!
And remember these words by Stephen Russell, author of Barefoot Doctor’s Guide to the Tao: A Spiritual Handbook for the Urban Warrior: “Vulnerability is the only authentic state…Be vulnerable: quake and shake in your boots with it. The new goodness that is coming to you, in the form of people, situations, and things can only come to you when you are vulnerable.”
