…and that’s the gosh darn truth. So there you have it, folks. That’s my dirty little secret. (Well, one of them anyway.) We all have them; some of us admit to them a little more easily and readily than others. Either way is fine – just so long as you know that the voice behind this blog is not always even-tempered, peaceful or zen-y. What I have learned about balancing motherhood and sanity I have not learned in a meditative state, cross-legged on the floor. There was a floor involved – yes. It was holding me up as I slumped down, tears streaming down my face, wondering how and when I was going to get my next shower. Or when I would have an adult conversation.
Or when, and this one is big for me, I could spend hours on end being a productive writer, minus the demands of the children and without having to keep one eye on the toddler whose got his eye on my stash of sketching pencils.
I have had to learn the importance of a support system, time management, accepting the things I could not control and enjoying the moments that otherwise drove me crazy. You know, those messy, chaotic, tail-spin moments when the kids are just being kids and all I can do is let them. It’s like being in school for life.
It’s not easy and I’m still holding on to that notion of “It’ll get easier when…” but after recently having a conversation with two women who have older children than mine, I know not to hold my breath.
And that’s why I’m doing this now. I’m not waiting until it gets “easier”. The “hours on end” part hasn’t come yet but there are days now when I do feel productive and man, that’s a rush! It’s a jump-out-of-bed-so-I-can-write kind of rush and it is rather addictive.
The research I have done and continue to do on goal-setting, time management, holistic wellness and creativity is spurred by my desire to live my most passionate life – and to do it in the context of my life as a wife and mother.
As much as I loved Elizabeth Gilbert’s journey in Eat, Pray, Love and have lent my copy to many loved ones, I don’t want to jet-set around the world to learn about my Self. It’s not just because I enjoy the comforts of my home so much (and those therein), but also because I know that no matter where I go, there I’ll be – staring back at me.
But back to the swearing, because I know that’s the part you’d rather read about…yes, it took me by surprise. As someone who rarely ever swore, not even in a joking manner with friends, nor been so angry that I dropped the f-bomb here or there, this was very disconcerting to me. It slips out when I see a mess where I had just cleaned, or the diaper turns out to be poopier than I had expected, or I foresee a potential hazard that one of the kids is about to step into. Other scenarios, too, but you get the picture.
The other day the kids were drawing on the chalkboard that I have leaning against one of the kitchen walls (in the hopes that such a fun, creative activity will occupy them long enough for me to make a decent meal in peace – ha!). The chalkboard was resting at a bad angle and all their banging on it was causing it to tip toward them. My 4 year old daughter reached out to stop it from toppling over and exclaimed, “Oh sh*t!” which her 19 month old brother then repeated a couple of times.
I laughed while my husband stared at me, mortified. I couldn’t even hold it together long enough to say something ridiculous like, “I have no idea where she heard that before!”
Before I became a mom, I never thought swearing would be something I modeled for my children.
Before I became a mom, I never thought a lot of things.
I am definitely taking a step back and throwing out all the things I thought I was going to be when I became the “perfect mom”. And I’ve found that sharing these things with others as I toss them in my mental trash can makes for some great laughter!
Do you have a dirty little secret? Or five? Is it really so dirty or just…human?
I dare you to share one with someone. Maybe they’ll share one back!